No Sex

As dinner concludes, I sit back in full disbelief of the woman that “Keisha” presents herself to be. Even though this is our fourth date, I truly feel as though our relationship is heading in the right direction. After finishing off my glass of wine, I get up to assist her in cleaning the kitchen. “What are you doing?” she asks then takes my plate and glass. “Let me take care of this, please.” An infectious blush hits my face as I make my way to the bathroom to wash my hands. Gazing at myself in the mirror, I notice the thoughts of sex enter my mind.

As I’m heading back to the living room, I’m bombarded with the scent of lavender. Keisha is on the couch, draped with a comforter, two full wine glasses, and a lit candle. Respectfully, I cozy up next to her, pick up the remote and start to scroll through Netflix’s movie inventory. Unfortunately, I’m not in the mood for a documentary or drama.

I’m attempting to star in my own film as Keisha plays my co-lead.

Soon after I press play on “Belly”, I find my lips on her before the opening credits. Aroused by her moans, I grab her and lay her across the couch. She grips my body between her legs then strips my shirt off from over me. Following the flow of her body, my tongue begins to somersault in an array of twists and turns around all of her curves.

She whispers, “stop” yet I speed up my assault. She pushes me off her and says, “We have to stop, I’m celibate.” 

Wait, you huh?!

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Why wasn’t she upfront with this information to begin with? A perfect time could have been during dinner to discuss the matter don’t you think?

To set the record straight, there is absolutely nothing wrong with Keisha being celibate. Men actually have much respect for any woman who has those provisions in place. It’s a commendable act whether motivated by becoming a better person morally, personally, or spiritually. The decision should be supported and respected by the man you are dating and pressure shouldn’t be applied in any sexual way to cause you to stumble off your path.

However, such a situation is hard to be in from a man’s point of view. Those same provisions that you hold dear may not be important to him. It has nothing to do with respect for you or your decision to withhold sex until marriage.

Simply put, you can’t place celibacy on someone who isn’t celibate.

Think about what is it about you that would compel him to join you in celibacy? Just as Keisha, you may be gorgeous and your cooking may be superb too, but Whitney, Michelle and Tamika are all gorgeous, can cook, and would have readily helped to put the condom on.

So what’s the solution for women who truly want to withhold sex until marriage while dating? It’s surely not to be misleading or to misrepresent yourself. You can’t be celibate yet don’t mind if he eats the cake every now and then.

Preserve your credibility and avoid compromising situations with a man if you are a celibate woman. 

If a man sees your worth, he will treat you according to how he views you. Creating that foundation occurs in a platonic relationship without force or expectations. Through this process, you will be able to truly find a man that respects your choice of celibacy.

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34 thoughts on “No Sex

  1. Faith

    I see your side. Perhaps the gentleman you present yourself to be made her nature rise to the point that she justified breaking her own code in her head. There was probably always a voice in her head telling her not to do it, but when ish got real, she got cold feet. Or, perhaps it was a test to see if you start acting funny. Personally I don’t believe I would have set myself up like that, but we definitely would have had the conversation before getting to this point.

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  2. Chantal

    Some women are not strong enough to endure through celibacy and they allow themselves to break their own vows to themselves. If I was a man and a celibate woman had sex with me, I wouldn’t interact with her again because if she can’t keep a promise to herself, how can she keep one to me? A bit of an asshole remark but as a woman, your word and convictions are what people use to determine the type of person you are.

    Honesty is the best policy!!

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    1. wordsfromablackqueen

      That would be a bit of an asshole comparison. Just because a woman breaks her celibacy vow, that doesn’t necessarily dictate the person whom she is or even her character. She may have broken a vow to herself for specific or even definitive reasons. That doesn’t mean that she’s not a strong individual. I don’t see why she should be judged for her decision. It may have been the one decision that she faltered to. Everyone falters to temptation eventually, especially when emotions are involved, such is life. But, he shouldn’t use that one situation to validate why he doesn’t want to have anything to do with her anymore.

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      1. CommonTruce

        “Just because a woman breaks her celibacy vow, that doesn’t necessarily dictate the person whom she is or even her character.”

        True but that has everything to do with HER. Have to consider and understand how a man may view the situation.

        It is true that some men may be turned off by a woman who claims she is celibate then breaks it with him. He may not take her as serious as he initially did prior to the occurrence of sex.

        Then once you pop. . does the fun really stop?

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      2. wordsfromablackqueen

        I understand, but what does that say about the man. She broke her vow of celibacy with him. So why is he now turned off? Isn’t sex what he wanted anyway? It’s kind of like damned if she is celibate, damned if she’s not. Regardless, if it comes to that, seems like he wasn’t serious about her anyway.

        Like

    2. Sweettwin

      Yes your remark Chantal is ass hole quality. I know of two relationships personally where both parties were committed to celibacy. Dating made preparations and all. Before they walked down the isle they were unsuccessful. Doesn’t take away from commitment or loyalty to each other. I have been celibate for close to four years now and it is my plan to stay that way until marriage. I have been on several dates. Slept in beds or cuddled on sofas. Nothing happened. Tried yes. But no. However. I am woman enough to acknowledge that I wasn’t into any of those guys. While it is my plan to stay celibate until marriage I can not promise that when I meet someone that I fall in love with that I can hold my stance. Sex is a form of communication. It’s a union of two people connecting souls. When in love you need that. I do agree you need to be up front. However. Lapsing on your celibate vow doesn’t make you unable to keep a promise.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. CommonTruce

        “Slept in beds or cuddled on sofas. Nothing happened. Tried yes. But no. However. I am woman enough to acknowledge that I wasn’t into any of those guys.”

        Why would you put yourself in that situation (sleeping in same bed/cuddled up) with a man you don’t have interest in?

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    3. CommonTruce

      As a man, I understand your stance and can vouch that there is a lot of truth in your statement. Just like women want to know if he’s around for sex, men want to know if sex won’t be around. Is that not fair?

      Like

      1. wordsfromablackqueen

        It’s fair, but it’s a harsh reality. If sex isn’t going to be around, the man should be honored that the woman actually wants to get to know HIM as a person with no strings attached. But, he obviously wants more than that. So yea, why not make that decision to stop pursuing. Similarly, if a woman realizes that a man is only around for sex, as a f**k buddy, then yea, she’ll probably leave the situation, especially if she wants more.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Sweettwin

        It kind of happen. Fell asleep and I like to cuddle. People can create intimacy. But I see your point. Might not been nothing for me. But could have been something for him.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Gigi

    At what point do you discuss these matters. Are women to assume that before the dishes are put away you would have them bent over ready to give in to fleshy temptation?? Or do you approach when the moment arises? I’ve heard of women who were dismissed or labeled for discussing such matters within first 3 dates.. so maybe Keisha has her reasons as well.

    Your view is valid and yet it depends and it varies!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. wordsfromablackqueen

      Discussing celibacy can be a touchy subject, it’s almost as if if you’re celibate, you might as well not even date because most people associate dating with sex and you’re gonna be judged for your decision. But it definitely comes down to timing, no time is really ideal to discuss it. It’s always going to be awkward. If you discuss it to early, he’s looking at you crazy like ‘Who said I was even thinking about us getting to that level?!’ But if you discuss it in the heat of the moment, then he’s like ‘Wtf, you should have told me before we even got here.’ It’s definitely not a win win situation, unless he’s that supportive and understanding guy.

      Liked by 1 person

    2. CommonTruce

      “I’ve heard of women who were dismissed or labeled for discussing such matters within first 3 dates.. so maybe Keisha has her reasons as well.”

      It’s why I presented the story the way that I did. I know women who have held off speaking on their celibacy due to being afraid the man would cut her off. A woman masking the issue with well cooked meals or Netflix could get cut off just the same as if she brought it up the first date.

      You are right. Every man is different and it does vary case by case. I ended on this note which I hope helps provide some sort of direction when dealing with the issue with men.

      “If a man sees your worth, he will treat you according to how he views you. Creating that foundation occurs in a platonic relationship without force or expectations. Through this process, you will be able to truly find a man that respects your choice of celibacy.”

      Liked by 1 person

  4. B

    Dudes are so hard on women, but they expect all the consideration in the world in return. Maybe she just started her journey and she’s just learning how to navigate intimate situations given her current commitment to celibacy. Give this woman a break, I mean she cooked you a great meal, gave you some good conversation and a nice intimate evening, that you obviously you enjoyed. Until she declined your attempt to get the cookie. Is it really that serious? All these feeling of disappointment, and being mislead are in my opinion a temper tantrum. So this woman decided to keep a personal decision she made for herself, PERSONAL, until it was necessary to divulge that information. You had only been on 4 dates. You act like she had your baby and didn’t tell you. Either decide to still date her or move on, but your reaction to her being celibate is wayyyy overboard.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. CommonTruce

      The story was fiction. Just created a situation I believe we have all been through before as adults. As I stated. . .

      “To set the record straight, there is absolutely nothing wrong with Keisha being celibate. Men actually have much respect for any woman who has those provisions in place.”

      “Dudes are so hard on women, but they expect all the consideration in the world in return. ”

      Truth be told, we are both hard on one another. CommonTruce mission is to open the lines of communication and get the conversation started on how we can both do better as men and women.

      Like

      1. B

        Maybe it’s a fictional story, but it seemed quite bias, as if the woman did something wrong. I think it is admirable to want to open the lines of communication, but if that is your goal I believe the story should have been told more objectively.

        “So what’s the solution for women who truly want to withhold sex until marriage while dating? It’s surely not to be misleading or to misrepresent yourself.”

        You are definitely putting alot of the responsibility/blame on Keisha.

        Look bottomline, sex shouldn’t be such a big deal these days, it’s not the 1940’s. If you meet someone who’s views are different than yours then just find someone who wants get down as much as you do. The topic isn’t taboo these days and there are plenty of women who are comfortable enough with their sexuality that they don’t mind having a guy on the side how can take the edge off when needed. 😉

        But that being said, if you choose to invest your time with a person like that, you can’t be upset if the outcome of that relationship is less than desirable. And when that happens, don’t blame all black women, just own your s@*!t. Own the fact that you didn’t want to invest your time in the woman who wanted to get to know you, build a friendship, and possibly a relationship with a solid foundation, before she took it to the bedroom.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. CommonTruce

        “Look bottomline, sex shouldn’t be such a big deal these days, it’s not the 1940’s.”

        “Keisha” or anyone whose celibate would not agree with you.

        Look at it this way for a second. . .

        If all I wanted from you was sex. . . you would appreciate me telling you that upfront. Maybe that’s not the type of situation you want to be in. Possibly it may be something you want to entertain because you don’t want anything serious. The same courtesy that a woman wants is the same a man would like as well.

        Is there something wrong with you telling me upfront that you are celibate so I can make my own personal choice of how I would like to proceed with you?

        Knowing “Keisha” was celibate, “Mike” would have been better prepared to handle the situation. “John” may have left after the dinner. “Tim” would have respected her enough not to pounce on her while watching Netflix and focus on the movie. “Randy” may have not even entertained her period.

        I don’t exactly who you are B but I do love your passion and have enjoyed reading your viewpoint. Make sure you read and comment my other blogs as I would like to hear what you have to say.

        Like

  5. Faith

    It sounded to me like she had planned it that way. She had already been thinking about it and was comfortable enough to set the mood, so if you can get into the act, I would think you should be able to talk about it as well. I would also think that a date at her house would be a no no if she felt tempted and this conversation had not yet happened. It could have easily been weaved into a conversation about a lot of other things, like thoughts on children, family, relationships in general, and sex.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Sweettwin

    As someone who currently abstaining from sex I am glad to see that this topic is out there. I know I am a great catch in and out of the bed room however as a woman I understand that there are lots of emotions tied to sex. It’s been really easy to maintain because I haven’t met anyone in a few years that I am attracted too emotionally, physically or spiritually. I am concerned if I do meet someone would they really be interested in dating me if they know I am not having relations. I totally agree that these things should be outlined up front that way you won’t have anyone caught up in the moment. Some women that have decided to abstain from sex are worried about you not even getting to know them or giving them a chance if you know up front you not getting the cookies. so in understanding the era we live in when sex is on every tv show, ad pop up social media how can you be giving a fair chance if you’re not the norm?? I don’t want to give a man blue balls but I do understand the dilemma in this story. Great read!

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  7. DigitalPush

    “Preserve your credibility and avoid compromising situations with a man if you are a celibate woman.”

    I’d propose that Kiesha was compromised long before she even met the man in this story. It’s pretty hard to be celibate if the heart, mind and imagination aren’t. Celibacy isn’t just a standard, it’s is a mindset, a way of life. Celibacy at it’s core, is about one thing, preserving purity. Maintaining purity is difficult if you are listening to music with sexually suggestive lyrics, are around people who love sexual talk, watching or reading emotional porn, and so on.

    Numerous journals on psychology and studies have expressed a simple truth, “Do not be misled: ‘Bad company corrupts good character.'” The thing is, “Bad company” doesn’t always look like “Bad company”. Sometimes is gentleman with good intentions. Sometimes it’s an idea that flirts with the heart, “You can handle it. You know when you’ve gone too far”. Just for the record, in the story, both people managed to get to the fourth date with out one real discussion about sex and relationships. Just seems like it was mostly about good times, good food and good wine. Surface stuff. Not that it’s a bad thing, but there is an lack of substance. STDs and STIs are real. What good is a condom of they engage in oral sex? Real talk.

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  8. Muffie Bradshaw

    Lol!! Wow. I love this. I agree with you, Darion. A woman needs to be upfront about her celibacy. It’s more for her sake to filter out the men who aren’t going to be supportive in her celibacy journey.

    Like

  9. mysticalvibes

    Sex is not that big of a deal. The sooner the better. Who wants to wait and find out if the sexual chemistry is there? I prefer a woman who doesn’t play celibacy games. I’m patient, but at that point they might as well test the waters.

    Like

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