You were cordially invited to a function, which you accepted with excitement. After all, it’s been a while since you’ve been out. However, you later find out the event is for couples, so you decline. Then there are the friends you used to hang out with who purposely leave you out all of a sudden. After all, what would you possibly have in common with them anymore? Besides, the conversation could get a little “hairy” talking about marriage stuff and no one wants to hear about your life of singleness and starting over. It becomes your ongoing plight. Too single to hang out with your married friends, but not alone enough to hang out with your single friends because you have no desire to go out with the express purpose of hoping to find a husband, boo thang, or Boaz (that’s an entirely different topic).
You’re not single. You’re not married anymore. You’re not a widower. They call you divorced, but you’re single AGAIN.
What does it mean? It means you were once married and had suffered through a very stressful, unfortunate event. A divorce is an event. It is not a status. Who decided to place “divorce” on applications and why? It is an event in which a part of who you once were no longer exists. The part of you that was the wife or the husband dies and you are forced to be rebirthed into a single person. Divorce just seems so final. There appears to be an underlining tone that once you are divorced, your life is over. You’re expected to wallow in the sorrows of your past and just let life pass you by until you leave this earth.
You are in the middle of nowhere.
Used? Thrown away like trash? Disregarded? Left for dead? Such is not the case! I prefer the term “single again.” Who you were as a single person after being married is much different than who you were before you were married. Your outlook on life, views on love and overall thought process is different. You are not the same after a divorce. I surely wasn’t. Being on the other side of marriage, I walked away with an arsenal of experiences that would prepare me for the next and last time I take that walk down the aisle.
So how do you move forward? How do you move from uncertainty based on your past experiences to confidence in your future? You have to create your new routine. No one can do it for you. No one can define exactly where you are; no one can tell you how you should feel and no one can create your path to wholeness and normalcy. People will try to tell you how you should feel and give you advice on how you should live your life. They may mean well but at the end of the day, unless they have experienced heartbreak and divorce, they have no clue how it feels to start life over. Even if they have had that experience, everyone’s process is different. What worked for others may not work for you. Prayer and being in tune with your emotions will guide you out of the middle of nowhere.
The objective of getting out of the middle of nowhere is not to jump back into a relationship. Trying to fill that void with a new love is the biggest mistake a person can make. It is best to take the time to learn and understand exactly where you are before seeking companionship. There is no timeline on how long one should wait, it just really depends on the individual and their journey. Everyone’s journey is different. I know people who were divorced and remarried in just a couple of years. I know others who didn’t get into a meaningful relationship which ultimately led to marriage until after seven years of being single again. I also know people (men and women alike) who have yet to remarry.
Yes, I know you miss waking up to someone. Yes, I know holidays can prove to be lonely and depressing. Yes, I know you’re tired of showing up to events alone… but do you want to get caught up in the wrong relationship with the wrong person? Do you want to take a chance and recycle the same pain you just escaped, so that you can change your status on social media? You have to trust the process and the timing of your life. The objective is to recognize exactly where you are, deal with the hurt and pain of your experience and then proceed forward into a life of wholeness and normalcy. That way, when strong love makes that entrance into your life, you will recognize it and not sabotage it! Take your time and embrace your process. Come out of that space of ambiguity and understand you are just as free as a person who have yet to marry. You are just as whole as an individual who is happily married. You are just as cute, handsome, sexy, desirable (and any other positive adjective you would like to add) as you were before your life and status changed. Don’t let time and impatience become your enemy and lead you to destruction. Be confident in the life that has been given to you and live it to the fullest!
Stacy Y. Thomas, a native of the Bronx, NY obtained her degree in Fashion Design from Syracuse University and fulfilled her lifelong dream of becoming a licensed Cosmetologist. However, Stacy had another passion which was writing. As her marriage started to unravel, she began to release her feelings by journaling. Stacey never dreamed the 10+ years she spent writing her life would turn into a book entitled, “Where Do I Go from Here? Redefining yourself After Heartbreak and Brokenness” (due to release August 2, 2016), Stacy shares the tools and tactics she used to go from brokenness to being made whole and living an abundant life. Her transparency and rawness in revealing her story will assure you of the fact that you’re not alone.